you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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