I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
