what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
