omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize