I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
