Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
