I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
