omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
