I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
