I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
