By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
