somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
