Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize