3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
