So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
