So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
