i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
