I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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