this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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