Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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