Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
