Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
