How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
