if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
