well I can't set my house on fire every night
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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