Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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