my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
