So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
