i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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