You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
