I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
