You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
