I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
