A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
