I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
