Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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