I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
