Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
