Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The power of my boobs compel you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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