just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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