I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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