If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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