I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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