i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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