The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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