So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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