i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
