you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
