Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
