I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize