I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize