you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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