This dress was meant to end up on your floor
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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