Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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