I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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