i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
