this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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