I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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