Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You pole danced in your parka.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
