Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
