I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
